There’s a quiet, aching pain many people carry—one that says, “I’m not good enough,” “I’ve failed,” or “If people really knew me, they’d walk away.” This is the voice of shame. And when it whispers long enough, anxiety isn’t far behind. The two often move together—shame feeding anxiety, and anxiety reinforcing shame, until it feels like you’re trapped in a loop of self-doubt and fear.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. So many of us live with a sense of being fundamentally flawed, often because of things we’ve experienced that were outside our control. Whether it’s childhood trauma, cultural or societal messages, or the wounds of past relationships, shame can take root in deep places. And when it does, it often shows up as anxiety: racing thoughts, overthinking, people-pleasing, panic, or the constant dread that something is about to go wrong.
Understanding the Link Between Shame and Anxiety
Shame is different from guilt. Guilt says, “I did something wrong.” Shame says, “I am wrong.” It’s more than just a feeling—it’s a belief about who we are. And when we believe we’re not enough or that we’re unworthy of love, our nervous system responds with anxiety. After all, if we’re flawed or broken, isn’t it only a matter of time before we’re judged, rejected, or left behind? So just behind shame, comes anxiety.
So we over-prepare. We try to be perfect. We avoid situations where we might feel exposed. We keep quiet even when we want to speak. Anxiety becomes the armour we wear to protect ourselves from the pain of shame. But the armour is heavy—and it never really keeps us safe. It just keeps us stuck and in a cycle that goes round and round.
Healing Begins with Compassion
The good news is that shame can’t survive empathy. And healing doesn’t come from fixing yourself—it comes from learning to be with yourself differently. Working through shame means turning toward the parts of you that feel broken and saying, “You are worthy. You are enough. Even here.”
I know that this is not always easy. Shame thrives in silence and secrecy. It tells us we shouldn’t talk about our feelings. That we’ll be a burden. That no one would understand. But the opposite is true—when we begin to name shame, to speak it aloud in safe and supportive spaces, its grip starts to loosen and we start to open windows within through which cleansing air can pass through.
Practical Tips for Working Through Shame and Reducing Anxiety
- Name It Gently: When you feel anxious, pause and ask yourself: “Is there a part of me that feels ashamed?” You don’t need to fix it—just notice. Naming shame helps bring it into the light, where it loses some of its power.
- Talk to Yourself Like Someone You Love: When shame flares up, try speaking to yourself like you would to a dear friend. Would you call them a failure for making a mistake? Would you tell them they’re unlovable? Begin practicing self-talk that’s kind, warm, and accepting—even when it feels unfamiliar. Be gentle and be kind to yourself.
- Write It Out: Journaling can be a powerful tool for releasing shame. Write to the part of you that feels afraid or unworthy. Ask what it needs. Let it speak. Over time, you may find those voices soften.
- Find Safe Connection: Shame shrinks in the presence of compassion. Whether it’s through therapy, support groups, or trusted friends, connection is one of the most healing forces. Being seen and accepted by others helps us start to accept ourselves.
- Practice Self-Compassion Daily: Simple things like placing a hand on your heart and saying: “This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is part of being human. May I be kind to myself in this moment,” can make a real difference. Small gestures like this can have a profound effect over time.
- Recognise Your Triggers with Curiosity, Not Judgment” If certain situations spike your anxiety, ask yourself: “What does this moment remind me of?” Often, shame is linked to early experiences. Approaching these insights with curiosity allows for deeper healing.
By Working Through Shame, You Are Becoming Your Best Self
If you’re working through shame and anxiety, please know: there is nothing wrong with you. You are not too much. You are not too sensitive. The feelings you carry make sense. And you don’t have to carry them alone.
Healing is not a straight line. It’s messy, tender, and deeply human. But as you begin to turn toward yourself with compassion rather than criticism, something shifts. The anxiety starts to ease. The shame begins to dissolve. And in its place, you’ll find space—space to breathe, to rest, and to be.
You are worthy of that space. You are worthy of peace.
